A Proper Goodbye
by witchling
Summary: Oneshot. Max and Logan say Goodbye. All the reasons they shouldn't be together.


A/N: Not mine. Clearly. If you don't know the Cure then you've made me very sad… and a little angry. This song makes me think of the doomed relationship between Max and Logan. This is set just after TWO.

Max sauntered into the penthouse. "You paged?" She'd been back from Manticore a few months but had never regained the art of breaking into the apartment with silence and ease. She always used the door now. She itched to drop in from the skylight like that first time, but she left the urge where it was.

Logan was startled to hear her so close behind him. It always irked him that he could never hear her unless she wanted him to. At least she used the door now. But she was here already and he hadn't quite figured out what to say. How could he explain it to her?

"Max, I can't do this anymore."

_**Oh Elise it doesn't matter what you say  
I just can't stay here every yesterday  
Like keep on acting out the same  
The way we act out**_

That was not the way he'd planned it. It had been gentler, slower, and just generally nicer. Max's expression hadn't changed. The muscle in her lower jaw twitched. He knew she had heard him. The twitch had given her away. Where to go from here? He needed to explain everything, maybe then they could salvage a friendship out of this mess. Or maybe she just wouldn't hate him.

Max was startled by the turn of events. She'd been expecting mobsters or politicians on the take, maybe even a transgenic in need of help. Not this. No, she definitely hadn't been expecting this. After the awkwardness with Rafer and Asha, she'd thought they'd agreed to work around the virus.

**_Every way to smile, forget  
And make-believe we never needed  
Any more than this  
Any more than this  
_**

"This isn't good enough. Not for me and certainly not for you. And this isn't about the virus. Max, this 'us' we have tricked up in our heads… it isn't real. If it ever existed at all it died with you in the woods outside of Manticore." This was not going to plan at all. Where had his eloquence gone? He was so good at soothing people who came to Eyes Only. He was so good at bringing out the truth, and comforting those in need, but here, now, sitting in front of the one person he most wanted to be truthful with, to comfort; where were all his beautiful words now?

Max was angry. Hurt yes, but mostly angry. Who was he to say what she needed? But he was right about one thing. It was never going to work. Not if all he had were excuses. This was not about her. This was about him. He couldn't touch her. He could touch Asha. Hell he could touch anyone else in the entire fucking world. This WAS about the virus. This was Logan being a typical man. Everything always had to be physical. Her face was carefully blank, her back was stiff and her eyes looked piercingly straight ahead. She was the perfect soldier, tense and ready for battle. Lydecker would have been proud.

"Don't kid yourself Logan. This IS because you can't touch me."

**_Oh Elise it doesn't matter what you do  
I know I'll never really get inside of you  
To make your eyes catch fire  
The way they should_**

"You're right. I can't touch you. I just can't Max. I've tried in every way I know how, but you never let me in. Not physically. Never mind that. Even before Manticore and the DNA lab. You never LET me touch you. I was never the source of joy or anger or any fierce emotion. I was never the source of… of anything." He finished helplessly.

Max cocked her head to the side. Her blank façade was replaced by not hurt or anger, but curiosity. Was it true? She knew she kept her cards close to her chest; she had been called the 'human fog bank' but was this really the reason? Had SHE done this?

"All I inspire in you is guilt and gratitude. That's not a relationship. I don't make you _feel_. Your friends, hell, even Alec and Normal make you feel." He was frustrated. How wrong was it to be jealous of the twin of her psychotic dead brother because he got under her skin? How twisted was that?

"Normal and Alec? You're bringing up Normal, the boss always on my ass about everything and ALEC? You want to make me feel the way they do?!" Max was flabbergasted and didn't mind showing it. Her eyes were wide and her cheeks were pink with confusion.

Logan pushed his glasses up his nose with his forefinger. It was a nervous habit. Max knew it was his major tell. He only did it when he was tense or anxious about something. Max's hands became fists at her side.

"The point is they get under your skin Max. Alec can infuriate you just by being in the room. Just the thought of Alec existing somewhere in the world can make you spit fire. You've never felt anything that strongly for me!"

Her knuckles turned white and her usually full lips thinned into a grim line. The muscle in her jaw twitched again. Her eyes again went cold, empty, and lifeless. They were Manticore eyes.

Logan was now desperate. He needed to explain. He needed to make her see. She needed to realize that he loved her frantically, recklessly but it wasn't enough. He needed to be loved back. And she didn't. Simply put: she didn't love him. Not really.

**_The way the blue could pull me in  
If they only would  
If they only would  
_**

"With OC and Sketchy you relax, you're yourself. You've never been relaxed around me. You can be young and carefree and all the things I love about you. God, Sketchy doesn't even know you're a transgenic but he knows you better than I do in some ways. Because you LET him. Your eyes light up when they walk into the room. Not me. Your eyes don't light up for me Max."

She stepped back almost subconsciously. She needed space. She needed a moment to think about everything he had said.

"I wish they would Max. You… you have no idea how much I wish they would light up for me. I wish I could make your face transform with joy. I know there's something fierce there, something passionate and deep and uncontrollable. There is some well of emotion under the surface Max. But I can't tap into it. It's so close, I can almost taste it! And it drives me mad because I know… I _know_ it will never be me."

_**At least I'd lose this sense of sensing something else  
That hides away**_

"No," she harshly admitted, "I guess it never will, if this is your idea of 'trying'." She took a moment to concentrate on her fists. Slowly and with great effort she relaxed the muscles and the fists became hands again. She pressed them tightly to her sides. There was that itch again, that urge to do something irrational, maybe even destructive. A part of her needed to slap him, punch him; hurt him in some way. No one rejects her that way and then blames it on her. It was Darren all over again.

"Don't you want more than this Max?" For only the second time since he'd known her, Logan was a little bit afraid. She was just barely restraining herself.

**_From me and you  
There're worlds to part  
With aching looks and breaking hearts_**

"Don't you want more than these surreptitious longing looks? Don't you want more than to believe yourself thwarted in love? Don't you want more than this?" It was perhaps a dangerous question. What if she said 'no'? What if, in the absence of love in her childhood, Max really would settle for this? It was a dangerous question because he couldn't. He'd already had one impossibly draining relationship because Valarie didn't love him as much as he loved her. It simply wasn't in him to do the whole painful thing again.

Max was angry. That much was obvious to her, however the niggling curiosity in the back of her mind hadn't gone away. Anger was easier but she couldn't ignore her need to understand. Did she want more? Was there more? Was it possible to have more than this? Logan seemed to believe it was. The real question was, 'was it possible for HER to get better than this?' She had put everything into trying to love Logan. Perhaps, she thought despondently, perhaps she was incapable.

**_And all the prayers your hands can make  
Oh I just take as much as you can throw  
And then throw it all away  
_**

For one moment Logan wondered what the hell he was doing. Was it HIM telling HER it was over? Because he loved her TOO much? For one single shining, hopeful moment he thought that maybe he had been insane, that he could just say 'oops, I'm sorry temporary insanity, never mind. So there is this politician…' But then he heard it. It was small, soft, almost hesitant. It was the sound of him being right, the sound of his heart shattering as it hit the floor.

"Yes." Yes, Max thought, she did want more. She wanted something that wasn't this hard. She wanted love that didn't have to be held onto for dear life because it was constantly trying to escape. She wanted it to be fierce, passionate and natural. All the things that Logan declared their love wasn't. She didn't have to work so hard at love. She wanted someone she could be comfortable enough with to be herself. She wanted a love that she could break-in for. Max finally realized she wanted to be able to drop from the ceiling if the urge struck.

Unfortunately, it didn't make the current situation any less painful.

**_Oh I throw it all away  
Like throwing faces at the sky  
Like throwing arms round yesterday_**

Logan took a deep, steadying breath. It was over. Their whole imagined love affair was over. Oh god it hurt. A part of him wished he could go back. He knew it was better now. He was free to find someone whom he could love and who could really love him in return.

**_I stood and stared  
Wide-eyed in front of you_**

He looked at her, just looked. He drank in every feature. It was true, what he had said before, that she had 'the singularly most beautiful face he had ever seen'. She was gorgeous. He just stared, at her beautiful, empty face. It was almost humorous. Even now, when he was broken, truly open for her inspection, she still wouldn't let him in. She still had that damned mask up. He hated that mask. Conversely, he was jealous that she had such a thing. It was extremely unfair that he didn't.

**_And the face I saw looked back  
The way I wanted to_**

Max watched as Logan broke. Every feeling, every little piece of his soul, was right there on his face. Max wished that she could do that. She wished it was possible to let this man in so completely that he could see everything going on in her mind. It was impossible. She guessed that this is what he had meant. He really couldn't touch her. She had tried so hard. The Blue Lady as her witness she had tried. And still her face was blank. Not angry, not hurt, not confused, not anything. Vacant. There was something deep down, he had been right about that too, but no matter how much either of them tried, he simply couldn't touch her. Ironic.

**_But I just can't hold my tears away  
The way you do_**

He was crying now. The small trickle and grown into an overwhelming stream of tears. He had tried so hard to refrain from outward signs of emotion. He knew they made her uncomfortable. But he couldn't. He was losing something infinitely precious and he simply couldn't pretend he wasn't. He didn't have her training. Logan supposed it was the one good thing Manticore had given the transgenics, the ability not to fall to pieces like Ordinaries.

**_Elise believe I never wanted this  
I thought this time I'd keep all of my promises  
I thought you were the girl I always dreamed about_**

He had thought that this would last forever. No doubt she had similar thoughts. The term 'destined to be' came to mind. The hardest thing to grasp was that it was never real. Even today he had thought how much he loved her, but that wasn't real either. He loved his idea of her and she tried so hard to love her idea of him. The whole thing had been one whole deluded game of pretend. And now it was over.

**_But I let the dream go  
And the promises broke  
And the make-believe ran out..._**

Everything that needed to be said had been said. Logan had explained his reasons and Max had thought about them a bit. It was over. There was nothing further she could say, nothing she could do. It was the end. Max left.

_**  
**_

**_So Elise, It doesn't matter what you say  
I just can't stay here every yesterday  
Like keep on acting out the same_**

**_The way we act out_**

It hurt like hell, but in some ways it felt good. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. Painful, but healthy. Logan felt that maybe he'd not done such a bad job after all. Maybe they could salvage some sort of friendship when they were both ready. Oddly enough, Logan was filled with hope. The worst part was over. He could live without her. She could live without him. They would both come out of this stronger.

He remembered the glances, the belief that they'd had, so certain of overcoming something like the virus. In the meantime they'd forgotten that they were never really together, never really in love with each other. And, Logan thought soberly, they'd forgotten how great love COULD be. How great it SHOULD be. They'd forgotten just now great it never was for them.

_**Every way to smile, forget  
And make-believe we never needed  
Any more than this  
Any more than this  
**_

Max sat on the space needle. Her knees were tucked up under her chin and she hugged them to her chest. She felt cold. The wind whipped around her face but she didn't feel it. Her genetically enhanced body was impervious to its attempts to chill her. She was already cold, freezing to her very core. Not physically. It was the deep bone-chilling cold that came with emptiness.

Max knew Logan had been right. She didn't love him. Not the way she should; not the way he deserved. She couldn't love him the way either of them needed. It was a hard blow, a bitter pill to swallow. She wanted to love him. She tried so hard to love him, to make him believe… to make everyone, including herself, believe that she loved him.

**_And every time I try to pick it up  
Like falling sand  
As fast as I pick it up  
It runs away through my clutching hands_**

_Here I am again, on the top of the world, lost. I look out and try to take some comfort in the normalcy below me. The cars, the people, the streetlights, they all help me forget for a few moments about my strange little life. I am a super-soldier, genetically enhanced fighting machine. I can do anything. Anything at all. I can do anything but love a man who deserves it. I can do anything. But I can't do that. I can't make myself love him. I can't hold on to something that was never really there._

**_But there's nothing else I can really do  
There's nothing else I can really do  
_**

Max sat there for hours. Looking down at Seattle was peaceful, away from the hectic pace of the post-pulse city. She knew eventually she'd have to go home. Back to her apartment. Back to her job. Back to her strange little life. She'd have to see everyone again, eventually even Logan. Max also knew that it'd be okay. Life would be different. She couldn't fix this thing with Logan and somewhere deep inside she knew she didn't want to. He was right. It was well past time to move on.

"Just five more minutes," she told the sky. "Five more minutes and then I'll go home." Home. Max smiled a little. Yeah. It was going to be more than okay.

_**There's nothing else  
I can really do  
At all...**_

A/N2: I hope you enjoyed it. Reviews would be appreciated.


End file.
